ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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