I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
