I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
