the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You're like the curious george of whores
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
