So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
