She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
