I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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