Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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