I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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