i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
