Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
