please come you make the beer taste better
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
