I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
