I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
