New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
