Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just pee around me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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