i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
