i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
