I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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