Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
