eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
