This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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