I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
