Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
