I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
