textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
