I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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