I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
