I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
