take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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