just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
