He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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