i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
