Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My vagina just clenched in fear
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
