i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
