update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
