When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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