you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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