I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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