dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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