i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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