I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize