she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
