Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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