Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
