I can tuck mytits in my pants
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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