dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
