Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
