i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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