I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
