I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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