Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
