U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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