you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
