I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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