Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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